How To Be Okay With Disappointing People After Leaving Mormonism
The Connection Between Religious Trauma, People Pleasing, and Boundaries After Mormonism
A lot of ex-Mormon women think they’re struggling with guilt after leaving the church. But I don’t think it’s just guilt. I think many women are struggling with disappointing people. And that’s a very different thing.
A lot of Mormon women were raised to believe that being a “good woman” meant being:
- agreeable
- helpful
- easy to be around
- emotionally low-maintenance
- self-sacrificing
You keep the peace. You don’t rock the boat. You make life easier for everyone else. After enough years of that, your nervous system starts connecting approval with safety. If people are happy with you, you’re okay. If people are disappointed in you, something must be wrong.
Why Leaving Mormonism Can Feel Emotionally Unsafe
This is one reason leaving Mormonism can feel so emotionally overwhelming for women. You’re not just changing beliefs.
You’re often changing:
- family dynamics
- boundaries
- identity
- parenting choices
- relationships
- roles you’ve held for years
And even when your brain fully supports those changes, your body may still react with anxiety.
That’s why so many ex-Mormon women feel anxious about:
- setting boundaries with Mormon family members
- changing beliefs
- saying no
- disappointing parents
- parenting differently after Mormonism
- wearing what they want
- not wanting more children
- building a life outside traditional Mormon expectations
You can logically know, “I’m allowed to do this.” …and still feel panicked afterward. A lot of people assume that anxiety means they made the wrong choice. Usually it doesn’t. It often means their nervous system learned, “Disappointing people is unsafe.”
Dig Deeper: Setting Boundaries With Mormon Family Members After Leaving The Church
How Mormonism Can Contribute To People Pleasing
In high demand religions, belonging is often tied closely to obedience, approval, and fitting in.
Many women learn early that relationships feel safer when they:
- avoid conflict
- stay agreeable
- prioritize other people’s comfort
- don’t challenge expectations
- stay emotionally manageable
Over time, this can create chronic people pleasing patterns. I see this constantly with women healing from religious trauma. Someone sets a completely reasonable boundary with family…and then spends the next several hours replaying the conversation in their head.
They wonder:
- Was I too harsh?
- Did I overreact?
- Am I selfish?
- Should I apologize?
Not because the boundary was wrong. Because they’re used to monitoring other people’s comfort constantly.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard After Mormonism
For many ex-Mormon women, boundaries trigger fear of:
- rejection
- conflict
- disconnection
- judgment
- losing relationships
- disappointing family
That’s why healthy boundaries can still feel emotionally dangerous, especially with Mormon family members.
A lot of women were never taught, “You can disappoint someone and still be a good person.”
Instead, many learned, “If someone is upset with me, I must have done something wrong.”
Healing from religious trauma often involves slowly challenging that belief.
Dig Deeper: 4 Ways to Heal From Mormon Religious Trauma (A therapist’s perspective for ex-Mormon women)
Learning To Be Okay With Disappointing People
One of the biggest shifts in healing after Mormonism is learning this:
You can disappoint people and still be:
- good
- safe
- lovable
- worthy
That sounds simple, but it can feel huge in practice. Especially if your identity was built around being needed, approved of, or emotionally responsible for other people. And there usually isn’t a shortcut through this work.
You learn it slowly by:
- saying no
- setting boundaries
- surviving uncomfortable conversations
- letting people misunderstand you sometimes
- realizing someone being upset with you doesn’t automatically mean you did something wrong
Over time, your nervous system starts learning something new: Disappointing people is uncomfortable. But it is not dangerous.
Healing From Religious Trauma Includes Rebuilding Self-Trust
A lot of healing after Mormonism is learning how to stay connected to yourself, even when other people don’t fully understand your choices. Because if your entire life revolves around avoiding disappointment, eventually you lose yourself trying to keep everyone else comfortable. And that gets exhausting.
You are allowed to:
- change
- want different things
- rethink your beliefs
- outgrow expectations
- build a different kind of life
Some people may not understand those choices. Some people may feel hurt by them. That doesn’t automatically make your choices wrong.
Dig Deeper: Rebuilding Self-Trust After Mormonism: Not Just a Mindset Shift
Therapy For Religious Trauma and Faith Transitions in Arizona
If you’re navigating any of the this, therapy can help:
- religious trauma
- people pleasing
- boundaries after Mormonism
- anxiety
- identity shifts
- rebuilding self-trust
I work with ex-Mormon women and moms navigating faith transitions, religious trauma, and life after high demand religion.
I offer:
- virtual therapy across Arizona
- in-person therapy in Queen Creek
- Brainspotting intensives for deeper trauma work
You can book a free consultation call to learn more about working together.
