Setting Boundaries With Mormon Family Members After Leaving The Church
Leaving Mormonism can completely change family relationships. Especially if most of your family is still deeply involved in the church. Suddenly conversations feel more emotionally loaded.
You might feel:
- judged
- misunderstood
- emotionally exhausted
- guilty for disappointing people
- anxious before family gatherings
- scared to speak honestly
And for many ex-Mormon women, boundaries become one of the hardest and most necessary parts of the faith transition process.
I talk about boundaries with clients constantly. And honestly, it’s something I’ve had to work on in my own life too.
Before We Talk About Boundaries, We Need To Talk About Control
One of the biggest mindset shifts that helps with boundaries is understanding what you can actually control.
I want you to imagine 3 circles.
Circle 1: What You Can Control
This includes:
- your words
- your tone
- your behavior
- your timing
- your reactions
- your choices
Basically: you.
Circle 2: What You Can Influence
You cannot control these things…
but you may influence them.
For example:
- the environment of a conversation
- your relationship with your kids
- how you approach someone
- the emotional tone you bring into a room
Circle 3: What You Cannot Control
This is the hard one.
You cannot control:
- whether someone gets offended
- whether they agree with you
- whether they judge you
- whether they change
- whether they approve of your choices
I think a lot of Mormon women struggle with boundaries because they still feel responsible for other people’s emotional reactions.
But boundaries are NOT about controlling other people.
Even if you communicate a boundary perfectly…
someone may still react poorly.
That doesn’t mean the boundary was wrong.
What Boundaries Actually Are
A lot of people think boundaries are about controlling behavior.
They’re not.
Boundaries are about making relationships more predictable and emotionally safe.
I often explain boundaries like this:
A boundary is the line where you end and another person begins.
And in high demand religions like Mormonism, those lines often become blurry.
There can be a lot of:
- enmeshment
- guilt
- overinvolvement
- pressure
- emotional control
- identity tied to family behavior
Many parents genuinely believe they should have more influence over their adult children than is actually healthy.
That’s why boundaries can feel so emotionally intense after leaving Mormonism.
Boundaries Are Actually About Protecting Relationships
This part matters.
Most people are not setting boundaries because they hate their family.
Usually it’s the opposite.
You set boundaries because:
you care about the relationship.
Healthy boundaries help relationships feel:
- safer
- less threatening
- more authentic
- more sustainable
Boundaries create emotional predictability.
And predictability helps the nervous system relax.
A Simple Boundary Formula That Helps
One of the simplest frameworks I use with clients is:
I noticed…
I feel…
I need…
If not…
The important thing here is:
these are “I” statements.
Not:
“You always…”
“You keep…”
“You never…”
Because the second people feel criticized, they usually become defensive.
Good boundaries are actually surprisingly vulnerable.
Example Boundary With Mormon Family Members
Example #1: Religious Materials Around Your Kids
“I noticed you bought several children’s books about the Book of Mormon for my kids.
I feel nervous about that because I want to be the person teaching my children about religion.
I need you to ask me before sharing religious materials with them.
If not, we may need to spend less time together.”
Clear. Kind. Predictable.
Another Example
“I’ve noticed we don’t talk as much since I left the church.
I feel really sad about that because I love you and want to stay close.
I need our relationship to continue outside of church conversations.
If not, I’m worried we’ll slowly drift apart.”
Again:
honest.
specific.
vulnerable.
Boundaries Around LGBTQ Conversations
This one comes up a lot too.
“I’ve noticed there are often negative comments made about LGBTQ people when we’re together.
I feel really uncomfortable and sad when that happens.
I need our conversations to be respectful.
If not, I may need to leave or spend less time in those environments.”
Boundaries are not punishments.
They are information.
They help people understand what creates emotional safety in your relationship.
Boundaries Can Feel Terrifying After Mormonism
Especially if you were raised to:
- keep the peace
- prioritize family harmony
- avoid disappointing people
- stay agreeable
- sacrifice your own needs
For many women, boundaries trigger guilt because their nervous system learned:
“Other people being upset means I’m unsafe.”
But learning to set boundaries is often part of rebuilding self-trust after Mormonism.
And honestly?
Sometimes healing looks like:
setting a boundary,
feeling anxious afterward,
and realizing you survived it.
You Are Allowed To Stay Connected To Yourself
One of the most important things I remind clients is this:
If someone reacts poorly to your boundary…
you do not have to abandon yourself to fix their discomfort.
You can stay connected to yourself.
You can survive being misunderstood.
You can build relationships that feel safer and more mutual over time.
And if you’re struggling with boundaries, religious trauma, family relationships, or rebuilding your identity after Mormonism, therapy can really help. This is work I support women through every single day.
I offer:
- virtual or in-person therapy for religious trauma across Arizona
- virtual or in-person therapy for faith transitions
- Brainspotting intensives for deeper trauma processing
You don’t have to figure all of this out alone, I would love to chat and see if therapy is right for you right now. Click HERE to book a free consultation call.
