Who Is The Most Important Person in Your Marriage?

One of the first things I tell couples in our initial session is that I don’t work for either of them. I am working for their marriage. Conceptualizing their marriage as a third person helps me to not take sides, be objective, and focus on what matters most during our time together in couples therapy.

I think it can also be helpful for couples to think about their relationship this way too. Your marriage consists of your beliefs about each other, your friendship, your communication skills, your shared values, and how safe you feel in the relationship. If any of these things are “off”, it will affect both of you in major ways!

Thinking of your marriage, instead of either individual, as the priority encourages both of you to take responsibility for your contribution. It keeps you both on the same team, fighting for your marriage, instead of fighting each other.

To help my clients with this mindset shift, I often give them the following scenarios, and I thought I would share them with you too.

Consider these scenarios:

1. Your partner’s friend asks if they can move in with you guys for a month. Both of you like him, but he is notoriously messy. This situation will obviously affect you both individually, but it will affect your marriage because it will create more opportunities for negative communication and will decrease chances for you to spend time alone together. While you might both be fine with it, it will put stress on your already stressed marriage. Is helping your friend worth the potential negative effect on your marriage?
2. You get a job offer that would give you a small raise, but your and your partner’s days off wouldn’t overlap. The extra money would be nice because you argue about money, but it would prevent you from going on regular dates. What do you think would be better for your marriage in this scenario? Less money stress or more date nights?
3. You and your partner recently moved and have been trying to make new friends. You have been hanging out with a lady from your neighborhood, but she complains about her husband. Her constant husband bashing makes you think about annoying things your husband does that you never noticed before. Is having this new friend worth the possible effects on your beliefs about your partner?

So, to answer my initial question, your marriage is the most important “person” in your relationship. That third “person” needs to be considered in every big decision you make and protected at all costs. This small mindset shift can help you prioritize your marriage and avoid pitfalls that will create unnecessary stress in your relationship.

If you want to learn about more ways to create healthy mindsets to improve your relationship, then you will love my course Marriage Makeover. 

In this course, I help individuals and couples create more fun, safe, and romantic relationships from the inside out starting at the root- your thoughts. Click to learn more and enroll today!

Other Posts You’ll Love:

Make Your Marriage Easier By Identifying Shared Values

How to Make This the Best Holiday Season Ever with Your Spouse