A Couples Therapist’s Advice for Holiday In-law Drama

It is the time of year when a lot of in-law drama bubbles up. The planning, traditions, and expectations around the holidays can put a lot of stress on in-law relationships. This can be such an emotionally charged topic, and it comes up a lot in sessions with my couples therapy clients during the holidays!

From my own experience and that of the people I work with, I know you want your partner to get along with your parents, they want the same, and there is often somebody who makes this very difficult. 

The number one piece of advice I can offer is this. You get to choose with whom and how deep your relationships are. Not your partner, societal expectations, or your in-laws. If you don’t want to be close to your mother-in-law (or whomever), you don’t have to be. It is your right to make that choice. Sometimes releasing the pressure to have a perfect relationship, can help you just accept things as they are and move on. Out of respect to your partner, you should be polite and respectful, but you don’t have to be emotionally close.

The second piece of advice I can offer is to set expectations early. If you want to do something that is out of the norm for the holidays that you think might rock the boat with your in-laws, let them know in advance. Give them time to process and accept this instead of springing things on them last minute. If you think they will be really upset by it, have your partner tell them. In-laws usually take news from their own kids a lot better than from the son/daughter-in-law.

If setting boundaries or expectations is tough for you, check out this blog post: How to Identify and Heal Codependency for a Healthier Marriage I also love the book “Set Boundaries Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Finally, if you are having a hard time getting along with your in-laws and want to have a better relationship with them, know that your thoughts create your reality. If you want to feel more positive feelings towards them, then you need to start thinking more positive thoughts about them. Thoughts come before emotions. Make a list of the things you like about them and try to focus the majority of your thoughts there instead of the list of things you don’t like about them. I know this might sound too simple to work, but I promise it does!

No matter your relationship with your in-laws this year, I hope you and your partner have a wonderful holiday season!

If you want to learn more about the connection between your mindset and your relationships, then you will love my bestselling course, Marriage Makeover! In this online course, I teach you the research-based connection between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors so you can transform your relationships from the inside out. Click here to learn more and enroll today!

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