What’s Actually Worked To Fix The Problems In My Marriage

I’ll be honest, not all relationship advice works for every couple! There are a lot of factors such as personality, disposition, culture, neurodivergence, and gender that all play a role in whether typical marriage advice will work for you and your situation. My husband and I have our fair share of regular ups and downs in relationships, and we have found a few key things that have helped to fix the problems in my marriage.

The Top 3 Things That Have Fixed the Problems In My Marriage

Not discussing anything emotional or important after 8 pm.

It took us about a year into marriage to realize that we, mostly me, cannot stay regulated and calm as we would like to past 8 pm. Emotions got high, hurtful things were said, and tears were shed. Once we made the connection between poor communication and time of day, it’s been a game changer for us! 

When it happens, one of us will just say something like “This is something we should talk about, but I don’t think right now is the best time” and we have made the commitment to not get upset by that and just pick a better time the next day.

Using the speaker-listener technique. 

The next important thing that has helped me fix the problems in my marriage is learning how to do the speaker-listener technique. When my husband and I were dating I vividly remember telling him: “I am so glad you aren’t into video games because I could never marry someone who wasted their time like that.” And guess what my husband started doing during COVID lockdowns…. playing video games with his friends. It caused SO many fights, hurt feelings, and miscommunications.

It took us fighting about it on and off until about a year ago for us to see each other’s deeper needs in this issue, and come to a compromise. The speaker-listener technique was the technique that actually helped us move on from this fight, and here is a blog post where I explain exactly how to do it!

Reminding ourselves that we are individuals choosing to be together, not a couple fighting to be individuals.

I personally have changed A LOT since we got married almost 5 years ago. My career, my life goals, my religious beliefs, my friends, etc. And something that my husband has been really good at through all of this change, is reminding me that it’s okay to be an authentic individual. I am me, not we. 

I would often feel guilty for not being the same person he married, but his consistent ability to love me for ME and not the roles I play in life has really helped me feel more loved, accepted, and confident in our relationship. I don’t think my husband ever reads my blog posts, but if you do… Thanks, Spencer! Love you!

Conclusion

So there you have it! The top three things that have helped to fix the problems in my marriage, as a couples therapist. No marriage is perfect, but I do think that really internalizing the principles of timing with your discussions, using clear communication, and having a good balance between “me and we” can help all relationships be happier and healthier.

What is some relationship advice that has helped you and your partner? Click comment and let me know!

Ready to make magic in your marriage again? Click here to learn more about couples therapy and schedule a session today. Let’s work together to start building the strong, healthy relationship you both deserve.