Nurturing Love by Overcoming Contempt in Marriage

I want to tell you about the #1 predictor of divorce. It is a common issue that can silently erode the happiness and harmony in a marriage: contempt. Contempt in marriage is relatively common, but is a huge red flag that things need to change.

Contempt is a destructive emotion that can significantly impact a relationship if left unchecked.

But fear not! In this blog post, I’ll shed light on what contempt is, how it affects a marriage, and most importantly, provide you with practical strategies to overcome it. So, let’s dive in together and learn how to kick contempt to the curb.

Understanding Contempt in Marriage: What is it? 

Contempt is a toxic emotion that involves feelings of superiority, disrespect, and disdain towards your partner.

Contempt in marriage can look like this:

• Sarcasm
• Mocking
• Name-calling
• Eye-rolling
• Using a condescending tone

When contempt becomes a regular part of the relationship, it creates a destructive cycle that can erode trust, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.

The Impact of Contempt on Marriage

Contempt acts as a powerful barrier between partners, creating a toxic atmosphere that leads to resentment and emotional distance. It shows a lack of appreciation and respect for your spouse, leaving them feeling hurt, unvalued, and disengaged from the relationship. Over time, this emotional disconnection can lead to feelings of loneliness, bitterness, and even the breakdown of the marriage.

The Gottman Approach: Insights from a Marriage Expert

Renowned marriage expert John Gottman has extensively researched the impact of contempt on relationships. His studies reveal that contempt is one of the most destructive behaviors in a marriage and a strong predictor of divorce. Dr. Gottman emphasizes the importance of addressing contempt early on to prevent further damage to the relationship.

5 Tips for Overcoming Contempt In Marriage

1. Cultivate Empathy and Understanding: To overcome contempt, it’s essential to shift your focus from criticism to empathy. Make a conscious effort to understand your partner’s perspective, needs, and emotions. Practice active listening and validate their feelings, even when you disagree. When you feel tempted to criticize your partner, ask yourself this question: will this issue matter in 5 years? (ex: how they fold the towels, how they do the dishes, that they spent $5 on a coffee, etc) If not, don’t criticize.

2. Increase Appreciation and Respect: Counteract contempt by intentionally nurturing a culture of appreciation and respect. Regularly express gratitude for your partner’s efforts and strengths. Focus on their positive qualities and remind yourself of the reasons you fell in love with them. (This video shows you how to do this the easy way)

3. Improve Communication: Healthy communication is vital in overcoming contempt. Use “I” statements to express your needs and concerns without blaming or criticizing your partner. (example: I noticed… I need… I feel…) Practice open and non-defensive dialogue, allowing space for both partners to be heard and understood. This blog post goes deeper into how to improve your communication using the Speaker-Listener Technique.

4. Prioritize Emotional Connection: Invest in quality time together to rebuild emotional intimacy. Engage in activities that you both enjoy, such as date nights or shared hobbies. Make a conscious effort to reconnect on an emotional level, showing genuine interest in each other’s lives. If you are busy and/or have a limited budget for dates, then I highly recommend doing dates at home! You can check out my At Home Date Bundle with dozens of dates planned for you, here.

5. Seek Professional Help if Needed: Overcoming contempt in marriage can be challenging, and it’s okay to seek professional guidance. Consider couples therapy or marriage counseling to work through deep-rooted issues and learn effective tools for resolving conflicts and rebuilding your connection. (Live in Arizona and need a couples therapist? Let’s connect! Learn more about my approach and how to schedule a free consultation here)

Contempt can be a destructive force in a marriage, but it’s not unbeatable. By understanding what contempt is, recognizing its impact, and trying strategies to overcome it, you can rebuild love and connection in your relationship.

As I mentioned above, date night is a great way to help you and your partner improve your marriage and start to see the good in each other again! Check out my At Home Date Bundle for fun, easy, and memorable dates at home planned for you! CLICK HERE to learn more and get your copy!