How to Heal a Disconnected Marriage The Easy Way

Do you remember when you got engaged? For most of us, it is such a magical time! How to heal a disconnected marriage was the farthest thing on my mind. I remember feeling deeply in love, having so much fun planning a wedding, and just wanting to spend all my time with my fiance.

I was attentive to my fiance’s needs, loved talking with him, and felt like our relationship was great! Like most people during this phase, I was fully engaged in the relationship. My partner and I were in the “honeymoon phase”. In my mind, my partner had no flaws! I honestly think this is how it should be at first. But after time, reality hits and we can slip out of the honeymoon phase. Over time, we can slip, slide, tumble, and fall far far away from the honeymoon phase into marital disengagement.

Marital disengagement is when resentment builds up, you have a low tolerance for your partner’s flaws, and you start to lose hope for your relationship.

Here is a short quiz I use to measure marital disengagement with my clients. Answer the questions true or false.

1. When I think about my future with my partner, I feel hope.
2. I enjoy spending time alone with my partner.
3. When I have personal problems, my partner is who I turn to first for support.
4. I feel my relationship with my partner is one of the most important things in my life.
5. I feel a great deal of love and affection toward my partner.
6. I feel disappointed that my partner isn’t the person I once thought they were.
7. When I am talking with my partner, I pretend to agree to make things easier.
8. When I am with my partner, I feel more tired than usual.
9. I feel frustrated in my relationship often.
10. I have angry/resentful feelings toward my partner.

How to score: Each time you answered ‘true’ to questions 1-5 give yourself +1 point. Each time you answered ‘false’ to questions 6-10, give yourself -1 point. Combine your points. The higher your score, the more engaged you are in your relationship.

If you have a low score, don’t fret. Marital disengagement (aka a disconnected marriage) can be fixed!

5 things you can do to heal a disconnected marriage:

1. Go on regular dates. You fell in love with your partner the first time by dating them, so if you want to fall back in love with them, then you need to do it again. (Check out my At Home Date Bundle for unique date ideas you can do at home!)
2. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling and express your desire to improve the relationship. Use “I feel…” statements instead of “you…” statements to avoid encouraging your partner to get defensive.
3. Start journaling about the things you love about your partner. Write 3+ things down every day that you like about them. This will help your brain create new, positive neuropathways when it thinks about your spouse.
4. Do more self-care. Self-care helps to increase our frustration tolerance and will help you better tolerate the little things that bug you about your partner. 
5. Go to couples therapy. If you are trying to improve things on your own and it isn’t working, then try couples therapy! Having an expert there to help you heal a disconnected marriage can make the process go much faster. Click here to learn more about working with me in couples therapy!

It can be a lot of work to heal a disconnected marriage, but it is also a lot of work to endure being in an unhappy marriage. You’ll be working either way! So you might as well invest your time and resources in improving the most important relationship in your life. You got this!

Ready to give your marriage a makeover? Then check out my best-selling Marriage Makeover Course! In this online course, I teach you the most important, foundational skill you need to have a happy and resilient relationship- how your thoughts affect your emotions and behavior in marriage. Click HERE to learn more and enroll today!

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