Proven Ways To Create Deeper Emotional Safety in Marriage

Emotional safety in marriage is one of the most important things I help my client develop in their relationships. One of the first questions I ever ask couples when I’m working with them in couples therapy is this:

What do you need to feel emotionally safe in your relationship?

Emotional safety is the foundation of a happy marriage. And if you’re not feeling that, you’re not going to be able to engage in sex, communication, or fun in the ways that you want to.

If you want to create deeper emotional safety in marriage, here are 5 things to avoid:

1. Yelling. Yelling is a quick way to thrust your partner’s nervous system into fight or flight mode, erode trust, and make your partner feel scared instead of safe.
2. Stonewalling. Also known as the silent treatment. This is when you emotionally or physically withdraw after a fight as a way to punish your partner.
3. Criticism. Criticism is when you complain about a problem in a way that makes your partner the issue, instead of keeping the issue the issue. For example, saying your partner is lazy and never helps around the house instead of saying the dishwasher needs to be emptied. It often comes with attacks of character and extreme language such as ‘always’ and ‘never’. Marriage researcher, John Gottman, believes that criticism is often one of the first signs a couple will get divorced. So this is an important habit to focus on breaking!
4. Gossiping. Gossiping about your partner to friends or family not only is bad for your brain and perception of your partner, but if that info ever gets back to your partner, they are not likely going to feel safe enough to be able to open up to your on vulnerable topics again in the future.
5. Coercion. Especially when it comes to physical intimacy, coercion is not the same thing as consent. Coercing your partner into doing things they don’t want to do will build a wall between you because they won’t feel like you have their best interest at heart. Ask for consent and if the answer is no, show your partner the respect they deserve and listen.

Without a foundation of emotional safety, you won’t be able to build the resilient relationship you want and deserve! So let’s dive into 5 things to focus on to create a deeper level of emotional safety in marriage.

5 things to do to build deeper emotional safety in marriage:

1. Have open communication. Encourage honest and vulnerable conversations with your partner. Create a safe space where both of you feel comfortable expressing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment or criticism.
2. Practice active listening. Truly listen to your partner without interrupting or formulating a response in your mind. Validate their feelings and demonstrate empathy by acknowledging their perspective and emotions.
3. Cultivate trust. Build trust in your relationship by honoring your commitments, being reliable and consistent, and respecting each other’s boundaries. Trust forms the foundation of emotional safety and allows both partners to feel secure in their relationship.
4. Prioritize empathy and understanding. Make an effort to understand your partner’s perspective, even when you disagree. Show empathy by acknowledging their feelings and validating their experiences, even if you don’t necessarily share the same viewpoint.
5. Create rituals of connection. Establish regular rituals or activities that promote connection and intimacy in your relationship. This could include daily check-ins, weekly date nights, or annual traditions that strengthen your bond and reinforce your commitment to each other.

By implementing these strategies, you can deepen the emotional safety in your marriage and strengthen your connection with your partner.

If you want more ways to build emotional safety and improve your communication, check out my free e-book All About Marriage Conflict Styles. In this e-book, I teach you how to identify your conflict styles and reduce conflict in your relationship so you can feel more of the emotional safety you’re craving with your spouse.