Understanding & Balancing The Mental Load In Marriage (Part 2)

If you haven’t read part 1 of this post, please check it out here. Now that you understand what the mental load in marriage is, you are probably wondering: How do we balance it? How do we actually solve this huge problem?

In this blog post, I’ll be sharing 4 steps to balance the mental load in marriage but first, we need to lay a few ground rules.

Ground Rules To Balance The Mental Load in Marriage

All time is created equal.

Whether you get paid for your work or not, all time is created equal. Wiping bums and making pbj’s is just as valuable as speaking to a board room full of executives and bringing home a paycheck. Work is work and if one partner is working in the home in an unpaid role, it is just as valuable as the one who leaves the home.

Visible does not mean more valuable.

It is important to note that just because a task you do for the family is visible, like fixing the broken front door, doesn’t mean it is more valuable than the work of holding a crying baby in the middle of the night.

Gender roles are suggestions, not laws.

To be successful with balancing the mental load in marriage, you might have the push back against what society tells you men and women do. Or you might have to do things differently than what your parents did. For example: Just because your dad never did the dishes or your mom didn’t mow the lawn doesn’t mean you can’t. Nobody is “above” any certain kind of chore.

Everything is figure-out-able.

When you really balance the mental load in marriage right, you will probably be doing some things you didn’t do before. Excuses like “I’m just not a clean person” or “I am not good at remembering dates” aren’t going to cut it. Just because you aren’t good at it or don’t know how to do it isn’t an excuse to not learn the skill required to do the new task. Watch a YouTube video, put a reminder on your phone if you are forgetful, or ask for help from a friend. Everything is figure-out-able.

4 Steps To Balancing The Mental Load in Your Marriage

One: Invite Your Partner To The Conversation

Changing the dynamics of your marriage always starts with one thing: a healthy conversation. I suggest you invite your partner to this conversation instead of dumping it on them. Use words to set the tone and describe the tone of the talk you want to have.

Example: “Hey babe, I want to have a quick and important (use whatever adjectives you see fit here) discussion about how we divide the work in our family so we can both be happier. Is now a good time or we could talk about it during lunch tomorrow?”

You want to be able to be your best self during this discussion and have your partner’s undivided attention, so do it when you are both fed, rested, and in a good headspace.

During the actual discussion, explain how you have been feeling (using I feel {emotion} statements), avoiding criticism, and trying to keep it positive, and then suggest the solution: The Fair Play system. If you don’t feel comfortable explaining what Fair Play is, I highly suggest you watch this documentary together. As a certified Fair Play coach, I will say those who watch the documentary or read the book before jumping into applying the system have much better success.

Two: Identify All The Tasks That Are Currently Being Done and Eliminate The Unnecessary Tasks

When you both have the concept of the mental load in marriage, domestic labor, and time equality down, then it is time to identify all of the tasks that are currently being done in your home and to start eliminating unnecessary tasks. The Fair Play cards are helpful for this, as they have 100 cards to represent all the tasks it takes to run a home, but you could DIY this and just make a huge list or spreadsheet with every task you are both responsible for. And get super detailed with it!

Once you have your lists, eliminate all the unnecessary things that take up space and time. (I.e. do you really need to send Christmas cards, go to every kid’s friend’s birthday party, or attend all the play dates you are invited to?)

Three: Assign Each Task To A Person & Establish The Minimum Standard Of Care

I hope you widdled down your lists a bit, and once you have your trimmed list of all the tasks it takes you guys to run your home, then look at it together and start dividing it equitably. (not necessarily 50/50, but fairly). Some tasks take up a lot more time and effort than others! For example, cooking meals takes way more time and energy than managing health insurance.

If you use the Fair Play cards, you will notice that some are marked with a coffee cup in the corner, and these are what we call the “daily grinds.” They are the tasks that take time and effort every day and cannot be ignored (food, hygiene for yourself and kids, walking the dog, cleaning, etc). Both partners must take a good portion of the daily grind cards because they are draining cards to hold.

For each card, it is important to establish what is called a minimum standard of care. The minimum standard of care is the quality of completion you and your partner agree a task must be done to be acceptable in your family. For example, does dinner need to have a vegetable to be considered well-rounded? What SPF do you think is best for your kids to use? How often does the dog need to be groomed?

Often, this can be hard for couples to agree on, so I always refer them to this quote from Eve Rodskey:

“Would a reasonable person (in this case, your partner, spouse, babysitter, caregivers, parents, and in-laws) under similar circumstances do as I’ve done? What is the community standard, and do we want to adopt this standard within our own home? What’s the harm for doing, or not doing, it this way? What is our “why”?”
― Eve Rodsky, Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do 

Once you know who is doing what, and what doing each task actually entails (the minimum standard of care), then you are ready to put your new system into practice. I suggest you both commit to holding and doing your cards for one week and then checking in. Decide now before you end this discussion when you will meet again to do your check-in.

During this first week, there will be mistakes, things forgotten, and miscommunications but as with a new skill, you will get better with time! Try your best to not criticize, take over your partner’s tasks, or fight about the system this week. Just give each other grace as you are beginners this week.

Four: Hold Your Weekly Check-In Meeting

One week later, it is important to do a check-in meeting! This is where you solve problems, encourage each other, and teach your partner anything they might need to know to do their tasks better next week.

Questions to discuss during your check-in:

1. What went well this week?
2. What did not go well?
3. Were there any times when the established minimum standard of care was not met?
4. Were there any times when we on purpose of accidently did each other’s tasks? Why?
5. What can we do next week to make this system work smoother?
6. Is there anything logistical in the schedule that would require us to re-deal any cards?

Conclusion

Once you have completed these four steps to balancing the mental load in marriage, then comes the real work, keeping at it until this new system is simply your lifestyle!

This is not easy work, but it is worth it! Reclaiming your time, and your mental load in marriage, and improving your relationship will lay a foundation that will help you build a happier, more productive life.

I’m rooting for you and your marriage! If you need additional support, I offer Couples Therapy where I guide guide you through this process and all the ups and downs that come along with it, and would love to work with you!

You might be interested in these resources:

Blog Post: Balancing The Mental Load Of The Holidays 

Book Recommendation: Fair Play by Eve Rodskey