How I Set New Year’s Resolutions As A Couples Therapist

I absolutely LOVE the energy that the new year brings. I love putting away my Christmas decorations, making lists and plans, and striving to make the new year the best it can possibly be.

Growing up, every year my mom would sit us all down and have us write down our New Year’s resolutions. She would save them each year, so we could go back and see our goals from the last 10+ years.

I am forever grateful that my mom did this for my siblings and me because it helped me see that some goals always seemed to pop up on my list year after year and they never got accomplished.

As I have gotten older and have learned about values (see the blog post about values HERE), I know that if a goal isn’t connected to one of our core values, then the likelihood of us accomplishing is it very low. This has changed my perspective on how I make goals and resolutions and I’ll share my system with you.

Step 1: Identify your top values. This is what motivates you beyond all else, what gets you up in the morning, and what you want people to say about you at your funeral. HERE is a list of potential values. I would suggest choosing 5 or fewer.

Step 2: Evaluate how you are currently living your chosen values. If you say you value health but have a donut for breakfast every day and don’t ever move your body, then either health actually isn’t one of your values (which is totally fine!), or you need to change your behavior to be in alignment with your values. Think about how you spend your time, money, and resources, and that should help you know if you are living your values or not.

Step 3: Make a specific goal connected to each value. Here is an example of how this could look.

• Value: Minimalism
• Goal: Each time I buy a new item of clothing this year I will donate an item of clothing to Goodwill.

• Value: Knowledge
• Goal: I will read 15 non-fiction books this year.

• Value: Connection
• Goal: When I get in a fight with my wife, I will make an attempt to repair, reconnect, and ask for forgiveness within 24 hours.

Life satisfaction comes when we live our lives according to our values. If you have goals that don’t directly connect to a value here are my suggestions. First, if it isn’t in alignment with your values, should it really be one of your goals? Second, figure out a way to connect your goal to your values. For example, if you value family but want to run a marathon, then maybe your goal is to run a marathon so you can be a healthier version of yourself for your kids.

You might be thinking: What does this have to do with couples therapy or marriage? And my answer to you is it has everything to do with your marriage!

When you feel good about your accomplishments, are living your values, and have higher confidence, you will be a better partner. Sometimes the confidence we need to try and work on our marriage comes from our success in working on ourselves.

If learning new ways to improve your marriage lines up with your values, sign up for my 7 Day Marriage Challenge!In this week-long email course, you’ll learn seven essential skills to improve communication, connection, and intimacy in your relationship. Click HERE to join today!